I had an urge to write a post about something I have struggled with for a long time, hoping that in the process Jesus will make himself clear in the whole ordeal.
So just some background on me, I was born in the State of Washington and lived there until I was almost 5. Two months before my 5th birthday, my parents and I moved to Arizona and have lived there ever since. My mom and I, and later just me, have been home to Washington every year to visit since we moved. We have family and friends there, and there is just something about going “home” that is so nice, even when our actual home is in Arizona. Fast forward to my last year of high school, I had decided to go to college in Washington, but with the passing of my grandfather right before graduation and some intense nerves, I changed my mind the week before I graduated Highschool.
Moving on to college, I started at Arizona State University for my first year and convinced myself that the nerves I had about moving to Washington would go away, so I applied to transfer schools and start my sophomore year in Washington. I got a summer job on an island in Washington and was going to stay after summer to go to school…. wrong, very wrong. When I was working this summer, my mental health declined rapidly. I convinced myself that I needed to go home because I did not believe in how strong I was. So I did just that, I came home. So I am once again still living in Arizona.
So let’s look at now and get to the whole point of this post, I went to visit Washington because now I not only have family there but I have my own friends now too. I was fine all week, happy to be just visiting until I reached the airport for my flight home. I went to sit down at my gate and suddenly tears just welled up in my eyes, I want to go home but my heart does not want to.
Are there specific people or places or things in your life that just confuses you? For me, Washington is this mysterious part of my life that I cannot seem to grasp. The biggest struggle I have is this: is my desire to move to Washington Jesus or the devil? Is the anxiety I have that is keeping me in Arizona at least for at least the next two and half years Jesus or the devil?
Am I alone in feeling this way? Does anyone else have these things that they long to do and you can’t tell if those things are because Jesus wants you to do them or because the devil is trying to pull you away from the lord? Where I am at now, I got myself into a situation where I am stuck, at least for the next two and a half years until I graduate. I hope that within that time, Jesus will make my path clear. I’m not happy in Arizona, but I have people, even if most of the time I am just convincing myself that they care. But in Washington I have potential, It is something new.
Jesus messes with my head sometimes, I never know what direction I am supposed to be going. Most of that is my fault though because I second guess myself all the time. Does anyone else feel this way?